Life, Love, and Faith

So...it is finally starting to hit me and Nikki that we have less than a week left in this amazing place. And while we will be happy to see our family and friends again, we both know that it will be extremely hard to leave this place and people, whom we have become soooo attached to. This week, we all really learned how strong this attachment really was. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I had no idea that I would be facing one of the most emotional days of my life. The biological mother of two of the toddlers here came and wanted to take her children back home. Two years ago, she had dropped them off because they were malnourished and she could not provide for them. Now, she has a job and says she is able to take care of them. So, the orphanage needed to send someone to check out the living conditions, and somehow, me, alea, and nikki were all asked to go along. As our van stopped on the shoulder of the highway, I looked out the window to see a village of mud huts. We got out of the van, and after being greeted by the shouts of several kids saying "mzungu," we were led through a a doorway, and into a room about 5 ft by 6 ft. This was the children's new home. It was pitch black (no windows or other doors), and their mother had to light a match in order for us to see the state of their living space. No bigger than a closet back home, this was where a Ugandan family of four would be living (two of whom would be precious kids that we have all absolutely come to love). It was explained to us (after much translation), that the mother's other children were going to school (suggesting that she had the financial means to provide for the other two to go through schooling as well) and that she would be coming the following day to the orphanage to pick them up. And in that dark, mud hut, my heart slowly started to break. We had set out to determine whether or not the house was suitable for the two children, and knowing that what I saw was "acceptable enough," was devastating. It didn't seem right to me for these two children to go from a place where they are guaranteed 3 meals a day, clean clothes, toys, a bed, and a daily shower to a place where they sleep on a dirt floor, will have torn, dirty clothing, and may or may not have three meals a day. But I still had (and still "have," for that matter) a lot to learn.

That afternoon, we took the two kids on an outing to town and spoiled them with soda and sweets for the last time. That night, we each kissed them and tucked them in for the last time. And the next morning, we said "I love you" to them for the last time, and said our goodbyes to them (or so we thought) since we were not going to be at the orphanage most of the day. However, when we returned back that afternoon, the kids were still there and their mother was just arriving. (this was exactly the emotional situation that, I think, we were all secretly hoping would not happen). After being changed, the little boy walked outside where his friends, mamas, other volunteers, his mother, and I were all waiting. He immediately walked over to me, wanting me to pick him up. He had a confused sad look on his face, and I could tell he understood, even if only partially, that he was saying goodbye for good. I gave him a big hug and a kiss and told him to go to his mom after saying goodbye to all this mamas. With an unsure look on his face, he hesitantly cooperated. His sister then came out. She also looked confused, but still had her typical huge, sweet smile on her face. I gave her a big hug and kiss, and after stealing my cuddle moment with her, gave her to one of the mamas. Having a bit more of a relationship with her mother than her brother, the little sweetheart looked a little more comfortable in her mother's arms.

They started walking to the car, and the little boy let go of his mother's hand and came running back to me as he cried. My heart was cracking, and it was only just beginning to be broken into a billion pieces. I picked him up and comforted him and then put him in the car on his mom's lap. He immediately started crying and screaming "auntie, auntie." As I was getting ready to close the van door, the woman (from the orphanage) who was dropping them off, asked if I was coming. And in that moment, I was persuaded by a beautiful, little boy screaming my name (and perhaps, my own selfish desire to spend every last possible second with him and his sister) to enter into the most heart-wrentching experience of my life. I climbed into the van, and after a few minutes of his continual crying, his mother handed him to me over the seat and he quickly calmed down. When we arrived, I had decided it would be best for me to stay in the car while the mother and the two kids were escorted back to their home. But, as I handed him to his mom, I was asked to help carry some of the supplies we were leaving with them. (so again the situation was getting continually more emotionally difficult than I had ever anticipated). The kids were greeted by several very excited older siblings, which was a bit overwhelming for them, but was somewhat encouraging for us, knowing that they had loving family members awaiting their arrival. Even though the kids were a bit uncertain about the whole unfamiliar situation, they were both handling it pretty well. However, when we walked into their hut to put their supplies away, they both started fussing. We quickly started to say our goodbyes...and this time it would be for good. The little girl was still on her mother's back, and I leaned forward and gave her a big kiss and told her I loved her. I think she was starting to understand what was going on because she immediately started to cry (for the first time that day) when we all started saying goodbye to her. I was planning on just giving the little boy a quick kiss and leaving (hoping the less time we lingered, the better it would be for the kids)....but that was until his mother handed him to me. He clung to me as he cried. I gave him one last big hug and kiss and told him I loved him. And for the first time in a long time, neither he or his sister could say "I luba you too" through their gasps and tears. With one last cuddle, I handed him back to his mom. And with his arms still outstretched for me and him crying "auntie, auntie," I walked out of the hut. My heart was completely shattered. Knowing that I was leaving behind two precious children in a situation that seemed so uncertain, was terrifying. And knowing that there was nothing I could do about it was an ever worse feeling. I couldn't take them back to the place they have called home for the last two years of their life; I couldn't comfort them and tell them everything was ok; I couldn't make them laugh. I just had to walk away. And in that moment, I learned just how much these two kids had stolen my heart in the brief month that I had been privileged to spend with them. I realized how much I cared about all of the kids I have been working with. They capture your heart before you even know it, and one day you realize that you would do anything to bring a smile to their faces. And this all became so clear to me as I watching two beautiful children grow smaller and smaller in the distance. I was upset and confused because it didn't seem right leaving those two children in their mud hut when some of their friends at the orphanage would be adopted into wealthy families in other countries. But as I struggled to understand, I realized that those two children were now apart of a loving family that has been long awaiting their arrival. They have a loving mother, and happy siblings, and thats more than anything money can buy. I realized that maybe what was "best for them" was just a very different picture then what I had ever imagined for them. And while I still struggle to accept the situation and fully understand this, I have found peace in the fact that I know God is watching over them. I know He has a plan for them, and while I selfishly may not like what that plan entails, I know God is the only one who DOES know for certain what is "best" for these two kids. And He is the One that I will put my faith in!!!

The kids have now been with their biological family for almost a week, and the orphanage will be checking on the kids in the next few days. We just ask that you keep them in your prayers!! We are learning so much here. And the funny thing is we thought we were coming here to help these orphans, when in fact it has been them who have been helping us learn about life, love, and faith. While this was a really emotional experience, we are truly loving our time here. And as the departure date for me and Nikki is quickly approaching, we are all realizing that this time in Uganda is such a gift!! Thanks so much for reading our blog!! (And I am sorry that it always seems like I am the one who gets stuck with the emotional blogs...I definitely need to better time when it's my turn to update this page haha).

Lots of love from Africa,

Natalie