Home Sweet Home

Being home is bittersweet... I love being with my parents. I love being with my dogs. I love the fall and the cool, crisp weather. I'm catching up on TV shows and getting unpacked and getting started on my law school applications... But I can't stop thinking about what I would be doing back at Amani... waking up for the sunrise. The peace that surrounds Lake Victoria in the early morning. Having breakfast with the other volunteers every morning. Walking to Amani down the long dirt road. Teaching preschool, playing in the yard, holding the babies, putting bandages over scraped knees, kissing booboos, being "Auntie Alea." My heart aches to be with Dan again. To hold him. I can still feel his little body tucked perfectly in my arms.

My last night in Uganda I was putting all the kids to bed and when I got to Dan's bed to tuck him in and say goodnight he went into a fit of giggles and rolled to the far side of the bed, trying to hide from me. I crawled into his bed and he threw his arms around my neck and pulled me in to a tight hug. I told him I love him and gave him kisses and he whispered back, "I love you." He kept cupping his hands over my ear and whispering indiscernible things into it. We had a nice little cuddle with him holding me tightly. It was such a sweet moment. It was so hard to leave him. So hard. I can't stop thinking about him and his precious little smile. But I know the other volunteers are taking good care of him.

I really miss the other volunteers. They are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. We grew so close and shared so much together. It was just amazing to get to live in Africa with these ladies. There's Charlie, with her Scottish-Australian accent and sarcasm and easy-going nature.

And sweet Curry from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm thinking of applying to Vanderbilt just so I can see her again.

And tiny little Bekah. With that adorable little laugh of hers and the way she'd always crack us up with the things she'd say.

And Andy from Tulsa, Oklahoma with her cute little freckles and curls. She had such spunk and such strong opinions.

I miss my friends who felt like family. I miss my babies. I miss tickling Fazira and blowing on Dan's belly. I miss hearing Zurita's laugh and seeing baby Helene smile. But I know that they're all in safe and well taken care of. Africa has truly captured my heart, and I do very much hope to go back there, but I learned that I need to stop worrying about the future and enjoy the moment, so... as of now I'm not going back. but maybe someday...

Thanks for following mine and Nikki and Natalie's journeys!

Lots of love,

Alea

Things I've learned and Saying Goodbye

Sunrise over Lake Victoria

I’m sitting in the middle of a thunderstorm. I mean seriously right in the middle. I have never heard thunder so loud. I feel like any moment I could get hit by lightning. It’s pouring rain and I’m inside the Palm Tree (the new volunteer guest house) sitting cozy in my bed watching the rain outside my window. All day I have been thinking, this is the last sunrise I will see over Lake Victoria, this is the last time I will teach preschool, this is the last time I’ll eat one of Mama Cook’s meals…

I can’t believe I’m leaving tomorrow. It feels so surreal. A huge part of me wants to stay till my money runs out. Just another month or two… Then I wouldn’t have to say goodbye quite yet. How can I leave Dan? Helene? Zurita? The other volunteers who I’ve grown so close to and am going to miss so much? The red dirt and the roosters and the cows walking down the middle of the road and the amazing sunrises? I’m going to miss out on so much… the safari, visiting Mama Santa’s village and seeing the Acholi dances she has taught the girls in her village, teaching preschool, seeing all the children getting adopted go home, precious moments with Dan…

I have learned so much during my time here. How to trust God. What it means to suffer. How vitally important family is. How to be patient and wait. How to focus on enjoying the present, rather than worrying about the future. And more than anything I have learned that it doesn’t matter what you’re doing or how big of a thing it seems, you can be serving and bringing glory to God, whether you’re in Africa at an orphanage, abroad elsewhere doing missions, or back at home going to school or working. God has such different plans for each of us and all our different gifts and talents, and can use us all in such different ways.

I know that I’m going to miss being here so much, and I do wish that I could stay here longer, but I think it’s time for me to get home and get started on the next phase of my life. There are so many other volunteers here and they really don’t need me here anymore. I got to be here to visit other orphanages, to dance with the mamas, to check on Steven, to see that the other children reunited with their families are doing okay, to see multiple families from America come here and meet their children for the first time, to teach preschool, and so much more. I am so grateful that I was able to extend my stay and feel so blessed just to have spent the time here that I have.

Today was my last official day at Amani. I helped with preschool and had all of the kids draw pictures for me so that I can put them in a photo album when I get home next to a picture of each kid. I had special time with each of the kids and tonight I’ll get to tuck them into bed one last time. It’s ridiculous how much these kids have impacted my life and captured my heart. I hope that when I get home all that I’ve learned here stays with me, that I don’t just get back into old habits, or wrapped up in our materialistic culture. I know it's time to go home and move on to that next new phase in my life, whatever that will be...

Snuggling with Zurita

My sweet boy Dan

My baby girl Helene

Franky

Last days.....

I was telling a few of the kids that I'm leaving on Saturday, and Dan started to cry. It breaks my heart thinking of leaving him. I spent some special time with him this afternoon and told him how special he is to me and how much I love him. He very sweetly got quiet and told me he loves me. We went for a walk together and I cried about five times thinking about leaving him. How do I leave him? Not knowing where he'll be going from here. Not knowing whether he'll have a family or go to school... I just wish I could take him home with me and give him everything. I wish I could take him so that I would know he would receive endless love and opportunities. I just love him so much.

We went to an AIDS orphanage yesterday and I fell in love with this little girl who didn't speak English, but she was beautiful and clung to me the whole time. Tomorrow we're going over to our pastors house for one more home cooked meal, and Friday one of the other volunteers is gonna make us all breakfast for dinner for our last night. We're going over to the couple who leads worship at church's house for a pancake breakfast Saturday morning. The rest of my last few days here will be spent with the children, getting them to draw some last minute pictures, taking as many pictures and videos as I can so that I will never forget each of their little quirks and the sound of their little voices.

Just some things I don't want to forget about my time here... We visited different children's homes, one for special needs and one for children with AIDS. We went on a boat ride to the source of the Nile and saw monkeys. We got to have a picnic dinner with an amazing family on the Nile. We got to pray for a woman who was hit by a car and hasn't walked in a year. We got to pray for a woman covered in burns. I've been by the side of a little boy dying of cancer and for the first time in my life felt the power of the cross. I've seen children reunited with their families and meet their new ones for the first time. I've seen children come to Amani completely closed off and reserved and I've seen them come alive after being cared for and loved on, smiling and laughing and talking and playing with the other children. I've seen a group of 200 young children sit quietly on the patio of Katie Davis, listening attentively to a bible story and singing worship with such carefree joy. I've seen hundreds of children come to a school carrying bowls knowing that at least for today they will be fed. I've driven a 4-wheeler around through villages with infection excited children and along the breathtaking shores of the Nile. I've watched children's faces light up simply because I have walked into the room. I have felt my heart be restored by their endless joy. I've driven a car on the wrong side of the road. I have had a cold, a fever, endless stomach issues, a sinus, and an infected cut. I have learned to trust God and to rely on him for strength. I have seen my capacity for love and for enduring and it has far surpassed my expectations. God has the ability to stretch us and use us in ways we have never anticipated. I feel so blessed and grateful for this experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

In a few days I will be back at home, catching up on TV shows I've missed, getting to be surrounded by people I have been away from for 2 months, reunited with all of my clothes and things that I have gone without. I will be thrust back into our materialistic, celebrity-obsessed culture, away from the community that I have grown to love and depend on. I can't imagine waking up and not hearing one of Charlie's jokes or Bekah's funny little laugh. I will miss Curry's quiet, calming presence, and Andy's awesome thrift store clothes. I am going to miss the church community that I have found here. Our pastor that has had us over to dinner multiple times and fed us and entertained us and loved on us. Our worship team that has had us to their house for worship on Tuesday afternoons with their sweet family. Our pastor's son who has come over for game nights and who was really there for us when Walter passed. It is just amazing. At church today they invited me to the front and prayed for me and I just felt so loved and cared for and I feel like no one wants me to leave, which is such a nice feeling. But I think I'm ready to come home.

dancing with the mamas and visiting kids

Saturday night we came to the baby home to dance with the mamas. They all taught us their traditional dances from their different villages, and it was so fun to dance with them and make them laugh! After they finished teaching us all their dances, they asked us to teach them, so I taught them some ballet and tap and it was so precious. We had such a good time with them!

Monday I got to go visit the boy I took to his dad a month ago. Charlie and I made the hour and a half drive out to this boy's village to bring him clothes and shoes and food and soap and toothbrushes and all kinds of goodies and to check on him to see how he's doing living with his family. As we got closer and closer and I knew we were on the road to his house I started remembering the squeaky little sound he let out when he was trying not to cry and the single tear he had running down his face as I made this drive with him last time. I got more and more nervous to see him and had to fight back tears until we pulled up in front of his empty house. The nice thing about villages is that when the parents have to go to work they just leave their kids with the neighbors, so he wasn't far away. It turns out he'd gotten malaria and had to be admitted to the hospital and had just gotten discharged the day before we came.

When he saw us he showed no excitement... in fact he looked a little scared. Charlie and I both started crying when we saw him and held him and told him how much we miss him and love him. We sat down on a mat with him and gave him some biscuits and he said he was liking his family and being there with them. Word spread pretty quickly that there were mzungus around, and soon we were surrounded by 30 or 40 village kids. As soon as I stood up to greet them they all jumped back five feet and looked terrified. I was really tempted to shout "Boo!" and scare them all away, but instead I let them warm up to me and shake my hands. Their faces when I touched them looked as though they thought the white might rub off on them, but most of them were excited to see a mzungu.

I got to see this boy's brothers and father and they all said that he was adjusting and doing well. We showed him pictures of the kids back at Amani and told him how much they miss him, and he seemed excited to see them, but not at all sad. Even when we were leaving he didn't cry and he was very sure that he wanted to stay, so I think it went better than I'd expected. It was hard seeing him covered in dirt and seeming so unsure about us, but it's good to know that he is happy there and he's not wearing rags and he looks well fed and well cared for. I'm so glad that he didn't cry or want to come back with us cause I don't think my heart could've handled that.

I am soooo happy that I was able to go visit him and see that he is doing well and seems happy and loved. I feel like that is the reason that I stayed this long, so I'd be able to fulfill my promise to him that I'd come back and check on him. On our way home we stopped by another village where the two children Natalie wrote about many weeks ago now live with their mom. They have come by Amani a few times since they left for various reasons, and their last visit the boy was covered in sores all over his body that were itching and oozing and bleeding and it was awful to see him that way. I guess it's common for children to have lots of health issues when they leave Amani and go to live in a village because they haven't been exposed to all the different bugs and things that can harm them that other children are immune to.

When we stopped by their home it was such a relief to see that his sores have all gone, but he's covered in scars from whatever it was. They both cried and ran to their mom when the saw us, I'm assuming because they were afraid we'd take them away with us... which I guess is good... It's just so hard seeing our kids living in these dreadful conditions when they've lived at Amani where they are just so spoiled. But they are happy and loved, and I'm learning that that is what really matters. It is amazing to me that these kids are happier having a family regardless of the conditions than they are being at Amani where they are given constant attention and have lots of clothes and food and love and running water and electricity and material things that our kids in America wouldn't dream of living without. I would think they would be dying to come back to Amani and all their friends, but it just goes to show that family is even more important than all of that. When it comes to basic life necessities, maybe having a mother and/or a father that loves you is more important than getting three meals a day and having a well rounded diet and being able to take a warm bath. Can you imagine? It blows my mind.

I have more to say but gotta go so I'll update with more very soon!!!

xoxo,

Alea

Another week gone....

This has been another pretty uneventful week. I've been continuing to teach preschool, which I love more and more every day. I have to say these last couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me. After everything with Walter and the boy that went back to his dad things got really quiet at Amani and I haven't really gone on any more adventures since Nikki and Natalie left, so I was just kinda going through the motions every day, teaching preschool and playing with the kids... And more and more volunteers have been coming. There are 10 of us now. And we couldn't get a safari before I leave so they're all going to go at the end of the month when I am gone, and they have all these other plans that I'm going to miss out on. Meanwhile back home I'm missing my friends' weddings and I have just been wondering why I'm still here. I am so grateful I was still here for Walter, but since he's been gone I have felt a little bit purposeless here. But the last couple of days God has been revealing to me that just being here, even if nothing exciting is happening and I'm not having any more grand adventures, is still a challenge and a growing experience. I still have a lot to learn. And though I didn't think it was possible, my love for these children has continued to grow and I've gotten even more attached to them.

Yesterday we went to a special needs home where one of our kids now lives. He has a disease I cannot pronounce or spell that affects his muscles and/or bones. I don't really know. He was here when I came two years ago, and he just transfered to this home a few months ago. He's five now and just started walking before he left Amani! He is a precious little boy and I just adore him. It was so sweet getting to go visit him and meet the other children at this home. I was amazed that these two single women live at this home with 13 special needs children and take care of them full time, around the clock! They have a child with epilepsy, another with autism, another with AIDS, several with various emotional issues, and so on. I can't imagine how they manage to run this home day to day and care for the children on their own! It was truly inspiring to see.

Today is Uganda's independence day, so we took all the older kids with us to go see the excitement in town. There were all these soldiers marching and a band playing the national anthem. We missed most of it, so we ended up taking all the kids to town for juice and cake. It was still fun to dress all the kids up and take them on a fun outing all together. Also today, the boy we took to visit his grandmother went home to live with her, and he seemed pretty excited about it so that is a huge blessing! Two more of our kids' parents are coming this weekend from America and will be going to court next week to hopefully get legal guardianship so they can take their kids home!

Since I've been here I've seen 8 children meet their adoptive families, 7 new kids arrive, 2 get reunited with their families, and 1 pass away. There have been so many heartbreaks, and so many wonderful moments. I have so many beautiful memories to take home with me. I have one week left and I'm savoring every second of it. I'm no longer going to question why I am here or what I'm going to do when I get home. I am going to focus on being present and on giving love to these kids. I have no idea how I'm going to part from these children. They have absolutely captured my heart and so has Africa. Again.

At the Special Needs home... this little girl stole my heart!

Jeremiah!!

Playing with the parachute

Charlie, Curry and I went ATV-ing along the Nile :) We got pretty dirty...

Favorites :)

So not too much has been going on here this past week. We've just been trying to get back to normal after everything that's been happening. Danyne had her baby - 9lbs 7ounces! He's so big and hairy and cute :) We've gotten a few new volunteers, so the house is fillin up. We're moving this weekend down the street to a really nice bed and breakfast type place that Danyne's husband owns. We're still trying to plan our safari. It's looking like all the other volunteers want to go as well, so all 7 of us might be going! Hopefully that'll work out...

Anyways, since nothing has really been happening here, I haven't had anything to update, but I thought I would talk a little bit more about my favorite kids. They're just too cute for words. I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but it's pretty impossible not to develop a special bond with at least one of the kids. I have a bunch of favorites. Walter was one... he was so precious. And there's Alima. She is teeny tiny and quiet and reserved, but when she smiles, which isn't too often, she scrunches up her little nose and oh my goodness it melts my heart. And Henry. He is four months old and is about the same size as Danyne's one week old baby! He's so small and has these dark little eyes and his smile just... ugh he is cute. And Matthias... he has some hearing problems and some volunteers were here earlier this summer that taught him sign language, so he is constantly telling me he loves me in sign language and he is the first one to run and greet us when we come in the gate or come down the stairs. He just comes running with his arms outstretched screaming "Auntie!!" with the hugest smile on his face. Ok I think I could go through every single kid here and tell you something about them, but I'll try to keep it to just a couple more.

Dan. If I had to pick one kid as my favorite, it's Dan. I ADORE him. I mean, this child... even when he cries it is cute. He throws tantrums in slow motion. His lips slowly turn down and his mouth slowly opens and then he starts to cry. If you're holding him and set him down he'll just lay down on the ground and pretend to sleep. He's a drama queen. But oh how he melts my heart. He says the funniest things. I have a video of him saying "cockadoodledoo" but I haven't been able to upload a video onto the blog, so I'll have to wait till I get home to put it on here. It's just adorable. He looks like a little hippo, so we've been calling him that and so now when he sees me he says, "Pippooooo!!!" And when you ask him who his best friend he pats his belly. He has a nice big round belly. Ugh he cracks me up. It is REALLY hard not to treat him differently that the other kids cause I am just in love with him. He has stolen my heart. I want a child just like him. I wish I could have him, but even if I were in a position to adopt him, he has family, so I couldn't anyways. But I wish with my whole heart I could keep him. Oh my, I love him to pieces.

Zurita. This little girl is probably 2 years old and can't walk or crawl. She scoots around the floor by shifting her weight and scooting her legs forward one at a time. She has a big round belly and tiny little twiggy arms and legs and the most beautiful little face. Her front teeth are rotten, and I just can't imagine the conditions this girl came from for her to be in this shape. But my goodness. Her little giggle... when she laughs it's hard to tell that she's not crying. She squinches up her face like she is crying, but she just giggles and giggles. She has the funniest little laugh. And it took me so long for me to even get her to smile. Now I just have to make a face at her and she just laughs and laughs. I adore this child. She is PRECIOUS!!!

Helene. I LOVE Helene. I WISH I could take her home. She has this funny tuft of hair on the top of her head. All around it she is bald, but this tuft is long and bushy and just so funny. And she is such a goofy baby. Everything she does has just captured my heart and I can't get enough of her. When I walk into the room her smile just covers her face and she reaches towards me and starts giggling. She is so happy and giggly and just absolutely adorable. I wish I could describe all the funny things she does and cute little sounds she makes, but just take my word for it. This girl is impossible not to love. If I'm having a bad day all I have to do is find this girl and cuddle her for a bit and I immediately feel better. She just lights up my day. In a perfect world I would take all three of these little ones home with me so they could complete my life and fill me with joy every day. I just cherish them and have no idea how I'm going to manage to part from them.

One of our little boys was supposed to go back to his family last week, but they wanted him to meet them first, so we took him today and he met his grandmother and saw where he is going to live, and I am just so excited that we are going to send a kid back to his family and he actually has a good situation to go to. His grandmother is very young and seems absolutely lovely. She was kind to him and welcomed him and seemed like she's going to provide him with lots of love. She lives in an actual house and seems pretty well off. It is so relieving knowing that he is going to a nice place. We're supposed to go visit the boy that I took to his dad two weeks ago and bring him clothes and check on him later this week. I really hope to find him happy and adjusting.

So God is continuing to challenge me and help me to grow. The kids are constantly filling my heart and bringing me so much joy and love. I am so grateful that I am still here and that I have 3 more weeks before I have to say goodbye. I love every second of it. I am loving teaching preschool. I love taking the kids on outings. I love taking them to church. I love spending time with the other volunteers. I love waking up to the sound of roosters crowing and babies crying. I love going to bed feeling exhausted and worn out and used up. I love the warmth and community I feel with the people I've met here. I love how hospitable and welcoming everyone is. I love looking out the window and seeing Lake Victoria. I love everything here and I appreciate all of you for supporting me and for taking the time to read this. I hope God blesses you and fills you up. Love!

Alea

Rest in Peace, Walter

Well... Walter's no longer with us. He passed away at 1:15 this morning. He had a really good day today. Every day this week I have given him a little sponge bath and changed his clothes and had a little snuggle time. With Walter you only get a little bit of snuggle time cause he doesn't like being touched or cooed over or really much attention at all. At least towards the end. He'd get so annoyed when we'd watch him too closely or stroke his back. He would crack us up so much, shooing us away every time we touched him. But he gave me some time every day that he'd let me hold him and carry him around the house, singing to him or just tellin him about my day and what the other kids were up to. He'd just rest his head on me and grasp my arms with his tiny little hands. Today was no different. He was as expressive as ever. Hospice came to see him and thought he was doing well.

At around 11pm his breathing started to get raspy and uneven. He'd go a few seconds without breathing and then gasp for air, and we knew his tumor was starting to close off his throat and it was only a matter of time. Charlie wasn't here because Danyne, Amani's Director, is having a baby, so Charlie's in Kampala with her waiting for the baby to be born. And we had a new volunteer, Andy, come tonight, so I was in charge of bringing her up and getting her settled. There are only two other volunteers here, Bekah and Curry. So Bekah, Curry and I were just huddled around Walter's crib watching him breathe, and were only briefly interrupted when Andy got here. I brought her up, showed her the room and bathroom and she pretty much went straight to bed. The three of us stayed up and read scriptures to each other and listened to some worship music and kept our eyes on Walter. I'm so glad the two of them were there. We were able to process it all together. So we sat and watched and waited and prayed and then he gasped for air and I reached for his hand and felt it was ice cold. I put my hand on his chest and the heart that had just been racing and pounding so hard was no longer beating and we all stood motionless waiting for him to gasp for air again, or for something. But he was gone. And that was it. He went very peacefully, and even before he passed we were talking about how it seemed as though he were already in God's presence. He was so at peace. Even through his difficulty breathing, he didn't seem to be in any distress or discomfort. I know he's in good hands.

So we had a couple of the workers come upstairs to bring him down to the clinic, and they covered him with a sheet and brought him downstairs. That's when we all lost it. That's when the reality of it all hit us. And we just held each other and cried. But then we started talking about all the little funny things about him. Like how he'd make this cute little noise when he didn't like something. And how he loved peanut butter. And how he'd cross his legs and lay with his hands behind his head like he was lounging on the beach. And how he'd lift his eyebrows to say yes, the way Ugandans do, and how funny that was on this tiny little boy. And how delicate and tiny and adorable his little hands were. Everything about him was precious. Every sound, every expression, every movement. And then we got to talking about how now he is free! And he is in the presence of God and has angels raising him up and caring for him, and he is no longer in his cancerous body! And I feel so at peace and relieved for him.

So praise God! He has ended this poor child's suffering, and I am so grateful that he went peacefully and surrounded by people that love him. I know that is why God brought him to Amani to die. I have yet to learn why this all happened while I am still here. Why I stayed longer to see all this. Since I got here I have felt like God was trying to teach me about suffering. The first two weeks I went to church here the sermons were about suffering, and then for some reason I opened to the book of Job when we got here and that's the book I've been reading, and that's all about suffering. And being in Uganda you see a lot of suffering. And then all this with Walter... This has probably been the most difficult, emotional week of my life. I know God has me here for a reason. I know God is trying to teach me about suffering, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to take from all this.

I have learned that it is in suffering that we experience the sweetest moments with God. I have learned to worship God throughout suffering. This has been more difficult. To see such suffering and still praise God. But somehow it is in suffering that I feel the most driven to praise God. It is when it feels the most natural to me. Suffering is where we grow the most, learn the most, feel the most, and bring the most glory to God. And it is through suffering that God builds character. And so maybe that is why I am still here. Only God knows.

So we are hoping that Danyne has her baby today. All day I've had the lyrics to Blessed Be Your Name stuck in my head... You give and take away but still my heart will say, Lord blessed by your name. Wouldn't it be just like him to take Walter and the same day bring in Danyne's baby? I'll keep you posted on that...

Thank you all for reading and for all of your prayers for Walter. He was truly blessed on his way out by all of you praying for him. Thanks.

"Though he slay me, I will hope in him" Job 13:15

My heart is absolutely breaking as I'm writing this, but I know you all want to hear what's going on here, the good and the bad. The last couple of days have absolutely torn me apart and I'm doing all I can to hold myself together to be here for the kids and other volunteers. I know that ultimately God is in control, and His plan is perfect. I trust that He works all things for good and that maybe someday I will understand all of this.

I don't know if you heard about the riots in Kampala that went on over the weekend. They gave Nikki and Natalie some trouble getting to the airport, but they still made it safely. We had a new volunteer and a couple of adopting families coming in from Tennessee on Friday and they had to stay overnight near the airport due to the crazy rioting. But they got here fine Saturday and met their children, which was really exciting, and it's been such a blessing to get to see them together and how the kids just light up around their parents. One of the families, however, got some pretty devastating news yesterday. I'm not sure it's my place to post it on the internet, so I will just say that it was a huge setback, and they may not be taking this sweet girl home with them anymore. They are completely heartbroken over it, and well... that's been really hard for everyone. They seem to be handling it in the best way possible and are trusting in God for guidance. I can't imagine flying all the way to Africa, thinking you will be bringing back your new daughter, and finding out that that might not happen... Ugh.

So that's one of the things that has made the past couple days so hard. Also... I mentioned in my last post that one of my favorite little boys would be going home last Friday to his dad. Well, his dad came Friday, but they didn't have all the paperwork needed, so we ended up going to his dad's village and dropping him off yesterday. This boy was brought here when he was only a few days old. His mother died giving birth to him, and his dad didn't have the ability to care for him, so he's grown up here. He's now 6, and Amani is all he has ever known. So you can imagine that leaving would be hard for him. We brought along a mattress for him and some clothes, a photo album with pictures with his friends at Amani, and a bag full of sweeties. I helped to get his things together and watched him give hugs to all the kids and mamas and say goodbye to everyone. This was pretty hearbreaking. He seemed pretty ok with the idea of leaving, which made me feel better, and when I asked him if he was excited to go see his dad, he said he was.

So we got in the car and he sat down next to me and seemed fine. As the drive went on I started to see him get more and more scared and anxious. He climbed into my lap and ate his sweeties quietly. The village was an hour and a half away, so we had quite a long time in the car together. He got more and more snuggly the further we went. I tried to tell him how happy his dad would be to have him, and how lucky he was to go back to his family. As we got closer I looked down at him and he had two crocodile tears sliding down his cheeks. I felt like my heart got ripped from my chest. I did my best to comfort him the rest of the way, and by the time he got there he was composed. A boy holding a baby stood in front of a brick house on the side of a long dirt road in this remote village. When we pulled up this boy grew really excited, and I realized this must be his older brother. He ran to get his dad, and we all got out of the car to meet his family.

His father had a very kind face, and his siblings seemed genuinely excited at the arrival of their brother. His father has remarried, so we met this boy's new mom, and she was educated and spoke English. They were all in pretty ragged, filthy clothes, but they seemed kind and excited to have this boy back. They seemed as though they would love him and take good care of him and are planning on sending him to school. So his situation isn't terrible. I know this. I know he will be okay. I know he is in God's hands. But that doesn't help me feel any better about leaving him there. I told him to go play with his brothers, and he did, though apprehensively. He kept coming back to me to climb into my lap or hold my hand, but he wasn't crying or seemingly upset. Then it was time for us to leave, and his dad took his hand. He was holding onto me with his other hand, and when I began to pull away to say goodbye, a little squeak escaped him and tears started rolling down his cheeks. I tried to reassure him, but he just cried harder and harder. I gave him a hug and a kiss and he just started bawling, and at this point it was taking all I had not to fall apart in front of him. My heart was just shattered. I had to leave him there standing with strangers, sobbing, in some remote village, about to start a completely different life from what he's ever known, with no transition period, no preparation, no nothing. Just left there. And I had to be the one who left him. And it killed me.

So then today Walter's biopsy results came back. Walter's the baby with the tumor that I also wrote about last time. The sweet little boy with all that spunk and personality that I fell in love with. His results came back, and it's much worse than we thought. Basically the kind of tumor he has is extremely aggressive and has already taken over his whole body, and there's nothing we can do at all except make him comfortable. They brought him home today and he's staying upstairs in the volunteer house with us so we can take care of him 24/7 and give him his morphine and shower him with love. His tumor has grown a ton in the last week since I last saw him. He can no longer eat because the tumor has made it extremely difficult for him to swallow, and it's only a matter of time before it closes off his throat so he can't breathe. The doctors say it's only a matter of days before he goes. I am absolutely crushed. When I went into the room where he was sleeping, he heard my voice and raised his arms up, so I picked him up and his little hands just clung to me and he rested his head on my chest. He still has all his spirit. He still tells you exactly what he wants, or rather doesn't want. Later on this evening he was crying and nothing we did would get him to stop till I just let him sit on my lap without touching him. He looked really tired so I asked him if he wanted to sleep and he gave me a little nod and let me pick him up and carry him to bed and lay him down and he's been sleeping ever since. Everything he does is just so precious. The way he holds a cup. The way he crosses his feet. He's so tiny and delicate. He's 2 years old, but he weighs about 20 pounds. He is so sweet and gentle and just... ugh... how can this be happening??

The pastor of the church we all go to came over to pray for him. A few of the mamas and all the volunteers were up here surrounding him and covering him in prayer. While the pastor was praying it hit me that this boy, when he dies, he will get to be in the presence of God! He will be free of his suffering and will be with Jesus! That is his reality. He will leave this earth and his tortured body and be free! So although it is incredibly painful to see him suffer, to know that this sweet child never had a real chance at life, to know that there is nothing I can do for him but love him and pray for him, and to think of how much we will all miss him once he's gone... it is comforting at the same time to know that he is in God's hands where he will be safe, and that God has a higher purpose in all of this. Each of us here is here for a reason, and we are meant to bless this sweet boy in his last few days. We are here to learn from him and to grow from this experience. He was abandoned three weeks ago, and the tumor started growing long before that. It is such a blessing that he is here for his last few weeks as we can give him medicine to take away the pain, and we can give him a ridiculous amount of love. It frustrates me that if they had discovered the tumor at the beginning and if he'd been in America he probably could have been cured. But he's not in America, he's in Africa, and we didn't get him at Amani till it was too late. So all that can be done is pray that he leaves us swiftly and painlessly and that we can all be strong for him and stay positive around him and give him everything he needs to be comfortable.

We are learning to rely on God for strength. Every breath takes effort not to fall apart over all these heartbreaks, but God has found ways to hold us up. Earlier I was having a minor breakdown in my room, but I pulled myself together and walked out to the living room where one of the other volunteers told me little Arnold was requesting me to go play in the yard and spin him around. The last thing I wanted to do was be around the other kids because I didn't want to fall apart in front of them and I just didn't feel like I could act normal or pretend to be happy, but I couldn't disappoint Arnold, so I went downstairs and was greeted with the normal pack of kids running at me yelling "Auntie Alea!" Arnold ran over to me and grabbed my hands and I swung him around and immediately the smile on his face and his excited little giggle took away the pain I was feeling. And of course after seeing me swing Arnold, every other kid wanted a turn, so I swung each kid around in circles and my heart was slowly mended by all their carefree laughter. So while my heart is broken, at the same time it is overflowing from the love and joy that I receive from these children.

And that is what Africa is like. Your heart breaks for the people, for the land, for the brokenness, for the poverty and the disease and the violence, and the struggles that these people have to endure. But at the same time it is restored by the richness and the beauty and the presence of God. We do not get to experience God in America the way we do here. We do not feel his presence this powerfully. Even in church here I have deeper, more meaningful relationships with the pastor and people there in one month than I ever did at church in America. I have seen devastation, but I have also seen overwhelming joy. These kids have so much more joy than children in America. They don't rely on television or movies or video games or toys for entertainment and pleasure. They have each other. They have really nothing else. And that is all they need. And they are happy. Truly happy. It makes me want to stay here forever and never come back to that emptiness.

I know I am still here for a reason, and I know that I have so much more to learn. I know that my faith is growing so much and I feel so blessed to be here. This experience is changing me daily, and I feel more and more like the woman God created me to be. I'd appreciate your continued prayers for everything that's going on here. And some good news, Arnold is going home to the states on Friday to meet the rest of his family! They finally got everything taken care of and he is good to go just as soon as he gets his passport and visa in the next couple days!! AND one of the mamas just had a baby girl! She has a pack of boys at home and wanted a girl so badly, so it's really exciting she finally did. She was in Baby A my first few days here before she left for maternity leave, and she showed me the ropes. She is very sweet and I'm so happy for her! So there's some good news so I can leave you on a brighter note :)

Oh! And Happy Birthday Bubba! I love you and miss you!!

Lots of love,

Alea

Please Pray for Walter

Pictures... Just Cause...

At one of the widows' fruit stands that we visited.

They like making us do cheesy poses and laughing at us.

Walkin to see one of the widows' vegetable garden

Bonga!

Trying to teach the kids a hand clapping game...

With some of the other Amani volunteers :)

(Left to Right) Charlie, Nikki, Natalie, Emily, me, and Roberta

Bye Nikki and Natalie!!

i.love.life.here

It has been an emotional last couple of days... or week more like...

It started last week when I had to take one of our babies to the hospital in Kampala to get a biopsy. We drove 3 hours to get there only to find out they couldn't do it cause he'd eaten breakfast, which they somehow forgot to mention was necessary for him to get his biopsy done. So basically I spent a day holding this precious, spirited little child and absolutely fell head over heels in love with him. The poor thing has a giant tumor growing on his jaw into his mouth, pushing out his eye, and stretching out his skin so it's cracking. He has a few smaller tumors growing all over his head. He just arrived at the orphanage a few weeks ago and since he's been here the tumor has grown immensely and his condition has gotten much worse.

He got a biopsy done on Tuesday, which is being sent to America to figure out exactly what kind of tumor he has so that they can give him the right treatment. However, at this point it's looking more like they won't bother with treatment since the cancer has spread throughout his body and chemo is more likely just to cause him unnecessary suffering. So we're probably just going to be trying to keep this sweet little boy that I've fallen in love with comfortable while we wait for him to go... Uggggggggghhhh... While I feel like my heart is cracking and it takes all my strength to keep myself composed throughout the day thinking about his sweet little smile and spunky attitude, I know that God is bigger than all of this and has a much bigger plan for this little boy. I also know that once he passes he will finally be free from all the suffering and pain he is in every day that he is alive. I know that he will be surrounded by so much more love and light that I or anyone else here could ever provide him with. I am trying to remain hopeful for him. But your prayers would be GREATLY appreciated. It is going to be SO hard to see him get any worse than he already is.

On a different note... Wednesday Nikki and I travelled 8 hours away to a town called Mbarara to pick up a one month old who'd been abandoned at the hospital there. We had quite an adventure getting there. We stopped for lunch at the equator and took pictures with some men from Nepal that made us wear cowboy hats and do cheesy poses. We saw zebra and caribou and antelope and a warthog on the side of the road as we drove by. When we got there we stayed with a missionary family from Tennessee. We had a picnic dinner at a basically deserted resort with them and their six kids, as well as a fellow missionary family with 3 kids. Yummy American pasta salad and breadsticks and brownies overlooking a gorgeous valley at sunset! There was a crocodile and a crazed mule there, and the family had us tell them stories from our lives and made us feel so welcome. We picked up the baby in the morning and drove back to Jinja, feeding him and changing his diaper in the car, trying to keep him happy, though he must have been so lost and confused being in a car with strangers for an entire day. We decided to call him Charlie, after our good friend and volunteer coordinator here at Amani :) We got back last night in time for a late dinner with our roommates and fellow volunteers, exhausted and stressed about all Nikki and Natalie had left to do before they had to leave.

Nikki and Natalie left today. It was so hard to see them go, though I know their friends and families will be so happy to see them when they get home. Fortunately, I have grown to love the other volunteers here and we've become quite close, but it definitely will not be the same without those two here. They had such a huge heart for the children here, and were so adored. They brought so much joy and light to me every day, and we had some amazing experiences together. I'm going to miss them so much!! We'll be getting a new volunteer tomorrow and another next week. Charlie and I are still planning our safari, and hopefully our trip to Gulu. I can't imagine if I hadn't changed my plane ticket and was on my way back home right now... I'm nowhere near ready to leave. These kids have stolen my heart, and I feel like I have so much still to learn from them. So even though Nikki and Natalie aren't here anymore, I still wanna keep writin in here, so you can keep checkin if you're still interested :)

I found out today that one of my favorite kids is going home to his father tomorrow. The heartbreaking story that Natalie talked about in her last post about the two kids that went to live with her mother in a village... well this is a similar situation. Only this boy has been here for six years and is definitely old enough to remember his life here and know the difference. He is old enough to understand what is going on, and he doesn't seem very excited about the whole thing. I just pray that he will receive love and an education with his father. It is so hard to see these kids go and not know what is going to happen to them. The ones that get adopted to America, you know they're going to get an education. You know they'll have opportunities. They'll have lots of love and support and they will never know poverty like they would here. But the ones that stay here... It's wonderful that they stay in their culture and with their real families, but it's so hard not to know if they will get fed every day or if they will get to go to school. I'm especially having a hard time with this boy, just because he's so much older than the other kids and has been here so long. Amani is all he's ever known. He's so smart and so loveable, and I just wish I knew he was going to a good home. But my sadness is mostly selfish, as I know God will take care of him wherever he is, and I just know how much I will miss him. Ugh. I just wish I could take them all home.

Please pray for these children. Pray for the ones that are being adopted, as many are having issues with the Ugandan government and getting all the paperwork finalized before they can go to America. Pray for the ones going back to their families, that they will receive love and opportunities and live full, joyful lives, and that they would continue to know the love of God. Pray for the ones that are still in limbo, like the one who's mother never came for her when she got out of prison a year ago, or the one who's mother is crazy and unfit to take care of her son so he will most likely be in a home the rest of his youth. Pray for precious little Walter, for his biopsy results to come back quickly, for the rest of his life to be comfortable and without suffering, for treatment to be effective, should he undergo it, and for God's will to be done in his life. Pray for Nikki and Natalie as they travel home. Pray for the riots in Kampala. Pray for Uganda. Pray for me, and my heart to continue to be filled so that I have lots of love to pour out on these kids. Thank you so much for your prayers. Thank you for your support. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. It's comforting knowing that there are people halfway around the world that know what's going on here and actually care. Thank you.

Our Nepalese friend at the equator... I wasn't joking.

Little Charlie on the way to his new home! :)

Sweet Steven with Auntie Natalie.

We visited another widows group in a village close to Kampala whose craft was weaving. We had quite a different experience here than our last one with WOCAP.

Life, Love, and Faith

So...it is finally starting to hit me and Nikki that we have less than a week left in this amazing place. And while we will be happy to see our family and friends again, we both know that it will be extremely hard to leave this place and people, whom we have become soooo attached to. This week, we all really learned how strong this attachment really was. When I woke up Tuesday morning, I had no idea that I would be facing one of the most emotional days of my life. The biological mother of two of the toddlers here came and wanted to take her children back home. Two years ago, she had dropped them off because they were malnourished and she could not provide for them. Now, she has a job and says she is able to take care of them. So, the orphanage needed to send someone to check out the living conditions, and somehow, me, alea, and nikki were all asked to go along. As our van stopped on the shoulder of the highway, I looked out the window to see a village of mud huts. We got out of the van, and after being greeted by the shouts of several kids saying "mzungu," we were led through a a doorway, and into a room about 5 ft by 6 ft. This was the children's new home. It was pitch black (no windows or other doors), and their mother had to light a match in order for us to see the state of their living space. No bigger than a closet back home, this was where a Ugandan family of four would be living (two of whom would be precious kids that we have all absolutely come to love). It was explained to us (after much translation), that the mother's other children were going to school (suggesting that she had the financial means to provide for the other two to go through schooling as well) and that she would be coming the following day to the orphanage to pick them up. And in that dark, mud hut, my heart slowly started to break. We had set out to determine whether or not the house was suitable for the two children, and knowing that what I saw was "acceptable enough," was devastating. It didn't seem right to me for these two children to go from a place where they are guaranteed 3 meals a day, clean clothes, toys, a bed, and a daily shower to a place where they sleep on a dirt floor, will have torn, dirty clothing, and may or may not have three meals a day. But I still had (and still "have," for that matter) a lot to learn.

That afternoon, we took the two kids on an outing to town and spoiled them with soda and sweets for the last time. That night, we each kissed them and tucked them in for the last time. And the next morning, we said "I love you" to them for the last time, and said our goodbyes to them (or so we thought) since we were not going to be at the orphanage most of the day. However, when we returned back that afternoon, the kids were still there and their mother was just arriving. (this was exactly the emotional situation that, I think, we were all secretly hoping would not happen). After being changed, the little boy walked outside where his friends, mamas, other volunteers, his mother, and I were all waiting. He immediately walked over to me, wanting me to pick him up. He had a confused sad look on his face, and I could tell he understood, even if only partially, that he was saying goodbye for good. I gave him a big hug and a kiss and told him to go to his mom after saying goodbye to all this mamas. With an unsure look on his face, he hesitantly cooperated. His sister then came out. She also looked confused, but still had her typical huge, sweet smile on her face. I gave her a big hug and kiss, and after stealing my cuddle moment with her, gave her to one of the mamas. Having a bit more of a relationship with her mother than her brother, the little sweetheart looked a little more comfortable in her mother's arms.

They started walking to the car, and the little boy let go of his mother's hand and came running back to me as he cried. My heart was cracking, and it was only just beginning to be broken into a billion pieces. I picked him up and comforted him and then put him in the car on his mom's lap. He immediately started crying and screaming "auntie, auntie." As I was getting ready to close the van door, the woman (from the orphanage) who was dropping them off, asked if I was coming. And in that moment, I was persuaded by a beautiful, little boy screaming my name (and perhaps, my own selfish desire to spend every last possible second with him and his sister) to enter into the most heart-wrentching experience of my life. I climbed into the van, and after a few minutes of his continual crying, his mother handed him to me over the seat and he quickly calmed down. When we arrived, I had decided it would be best for me to stay in the car while the mother and the two kids were escorted back to their home. But, as I handed him to his mom, I was asked to help carry some of the supplies we were leaving with them. (so again the situation was getting continually more emotionally difficult than I had ever anticipated). The kids were greeted by several very excited older siblings, which was a bit overwhelming for them, but was somewhat encouraging for us, knowing that they had loving family members awaiting their arrival. Even though the kids were a bit uncertain about the whole unfamiliar situation, they were both handling it pretty well. However, when we walked into their hut to put their supplies away, they both started fussing. We quickly started to say our goodbyes...and this time it would be for good. The little girl was still on her mother's back, and I leaned forward and gave her a big kiss and told her I loved her. I think she was starting to understand what was going on because she immediately started to cry (for the first time that day) when we all started saying goodbye to her. I was planning on just giving the little boy a quick kiss and leaving (hoping the less time we lingered, the better it would be for the kids)....but that was until his mother handed him to me. He clung to me as he cried. I gave him one last big hug and kiss and told him I loved him. And for the first time in a long time, neither he or his sister could say "I luba you too" through their gasps and tears. With one last cuddle, I handed him back to his mom. And with his arms still outstretched for me and him crying "auntie, auntie," I walked out of the hut. My heart was completely shattered. Knowing that I was leaving behind two precious children in a situation that seemed so uncertain, was terrifying. And knowing that there was nothing I could do about it was an ever worse feeling. I couldn't take them back to the place they have called home for the last two years of their life; I couldn't comfort them and tell them everything was ok; I couldn't make them laugh. I just had to walk away. And in that moment, I learned just how much these two kids had stolen my heart in the brief month that I had been privileged to spend with them. I realized how much I cared about all of the kids I have been working with. They capture your heart before you even know it, and one day you realize that you would do anything to bring a smile to their faces. And this all became so clear to me as I watching two beautiful children grow smaller and smaller in the distance. I was upset and confused because it didn't seem right leaving those two children in their mud hut when some of their friends at the orphanage would be adopted into wealthy families in other countries. But as I struggled to understand, I realized that those two children were now apart of a loving family that has been long awaiting their arrival. They have a loving mother, and happy siblings, and thats more than anything money can buy. I realized that maybe what was "best for them" was just a very different picture then what I had ever imagined for them. And while I still struggle to accept the situation and fully understand this, I have found peace in the fact that I know God is watching over them. I know He has a plan for them, and while I selfishly may not like what that plan entails, I know God is the only one who DOES know for certain what is "best" for these two kids. And He is the One that I will put my faith in!!!

The kids have now been with their biological family for almost a week, and the orphanage will be checking on the kids in the next few days. We just ask that you keep them in your prayers!! We are learning so much here. And the funny thing is we thought we were coming here to help these orphans, when in fact it has been them who have been helping us learn about life, love, and faith. While this was a really emotional experience, we are truly loving our time here. And as the departure date for me and Nikki is quickly approaching, we are all realizing that this time in Uganda is such a gift!! Thanks so much for reading our blog!! (And I am sorry that it always seems like I am the one who gets stuck with the emotional blogs...I definitely need to better time when it's my turn to update this page haha).

Lots of love from Africa,

Natalie