Rest in Peace, Walter

Well... Walter's no longer with us. He passed away at 1:15 this morning. He had a really good day today. Every day this week I have given him a little sponge bath and changed his clothes and had a little snuggle time. With Walter you only get a little bit of snuggle time cause he doesn't like being touched or cooed over or really much attention at all. At least towards the end. He'd get so annoyed when we'd watch him too closely or stroke his back. He would crack us up so much, shooing us away every time we touched him. But he gave me some time every day that he'd let me hold him and carry him around the house, singing to him or just tellin him about my day and what the other kids were up to. He'd just rest his head on me and grasp my arms with his tiny little hands. Today was no different. He was as expressive as ever. Hospice came to see him and thought he was doing well.

At around 11pm his breathing started to get raspy and uneven. He'd go a few seconds without breathing and then gasp for air, and we knew his tumor was starting to close off his throat and it was only a matter of time. Charlie wasn't here because Danyne, Amani's Director, is having a baby, so Charlie's in Kampala with her waiting for the baby to be born. And we had a new volunteer, Andy, come tonight, so I was in charge of bringing her up and getting her settled. There are only two other volunteers here, Bekah and Curry. So Bekah, Curry and I were just huddled around Walter's crib watching him breathe, and were only briefly interrupted when Andy got here. I brought her up, showed her the room and bathroom and she pretty much went straight to bed. The three of us stayed up and read scriptures to each other and listened to some worship music and kept our eyes on Walter. I'm so glad the two of them were there. We were able to process it all together. So we sat and watched and waited and prayed and then he gasped for air and I reached for his hand and felt it was ice cold. I put my hand on his chest and the heart that had just been racing and pounding so hard was no longer beating and we all stood motionless waiting for him to gasp for air again, or for something. But he was gone. And that was it. He went very peacefully, and even before he passed we were talking about how it seemed as though he were already in God's presence. He was so at peace. Even through his difficulty breathing, he didn't seem to be in any distress or discomfort. I know he's in good hands.

So we had a couple of the workers come upstairs to bring him down to the clinic, and they covered him with a sheet and brought him downstairs. That's when we all lost it. That's when the reality of it all hit us. And we just held each other and cried. But then we started talking about all the little funny things about him. Like how he'd make this cute little noise when he didn't like something. And how he loved peanut butter. And how he'd cross his legs and lay with his hands behind his head like he was lounging on the beach. And how he'd lift his eyebrows to say yes, the way Ugandans do, and how funny that was on this tiny little boy. And how delicate and tiny and adorable his little hands were. Everything about him was precious. Every sound, every expression, every movement. And then we got to talking about how now he is free! And he is in the presence of God and has angels raising him up and caring for him, and he is no longer in his cancerous body! And I feel so at peace and relieved for him.

So praise God! He has ended this poor child's suffering, and I am so grateful that he went peacefully and surrounded by people that love him. I know that is why God brought him to Amani to die. I have yet to learn why this all happened while I am still here. Why I stayed longer to see all this. Since I got here I have felt like God was trying to teach me about suffering. The first two weeks I went to church here the sermons were about suffering, and then for some reason I opened to the book of Job when we got here and that's the book I've been reading, and that's all about suffering. And being in Uganda you see a lot of suffering. And then all this with Walter... This has probably been the most difficult, emotional week of my life. I know God has me here for a reason. I know God is trying to teach me about suffering, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to take from all this.

I have learned that it is in suffering that we experience the sweetest moments with God. I have learned to worship God throughout suffering. This has been more difficult. To see such suffering and still praise God. But somehow it is in suffering that I feel the most driven to praise God. It is when it feels the most natural to me. Suffering is where we grow the most, learn the most, feel the most, and bring the most glory to God. And it is through suffering that God builds character. And so maybe that is why I am still here. Only God knows.

So we are hoping that Danyne has her baby today. All day I've had the lyrics to Blessed Be Your Name stuck in my head... You give and take away but still my heart will say, Lord blessed by your name. Wouldn't it be just like him to take Walter and the same day bring in Danyne's baby? I'll keep you posted on that...

Thank you all for reading and for all of your prayers for Walter. He was truly blessed on his way out by all of you praying for him. Thanks.